If Only
by A Darker Angle
Summary: If only she could fly away... A oneshot reply to a challenge on HPFFL. Please R&R!


**A/N:** This is a response to a challenge created on the **Harry Potter FanFic Lounge** (a forum which you can join or visit by clicking on the "Homepage" link of my account). The challenge was _"Start your story with the following sentence: 'It was calm that morning. Too calm.'" _Here's what I came up with. Hope you like it, but please review in any case to let me know what you think. (:

**A Darker Angle**  
**"If Only"**

It was calm that morning. Too calm.

Usually the sounds of screaming, shouting and slamming could be heard above the cool air seeping through the nearby window, but this morning was the exception to the rule. Listening closely, closing her eyes, she thought she could hear a bird chirping… such a soothing sound. The peace contained within its simple song nearly brought tears to her eyes. Why couldn't she know peace? Why couldn't she fly away from here, through the clouds, where joy could finally be found?

What was joy? What did it feel like? She wondered. The face of a man crossed her mind as she analysed the word. A young man, perhaps much younger than her. The man smiled at her, but she didn't recognize him – had she seen him before? Perhaps not. He was abstract, his manners and features changing every moment in her mind's eye. But he was there. He comforted her, gave her something to think about. In this place, in this state of mind, one needed something to think about. At all times. It was crucial. Vital.

The man was always with her. She must have known him… somewhere. Why couldn't she remember?

The cool air was now making her shiver. She got out of bed and stood by her bedside, hopped up to the frame of the window and touched its frozen glass. She looked outside, but saw nothing except the bright red leaves of the trees below shining in the sunlight. Their beauty reminded her of him, of her imaginary man…

For hours she stood at the window, until her arms became numb from cold and her legs became tired from staying in the same position. But she didn't care, and why should she? The cold meant nothing. The fatigue was irrelevant. She felt at peace here, looking outside. And yet…

Yet still there was something missing. Something important. She knew it, in the corner of her mind… hadn't there been something else, at one time? Hadn't there been something besides this mundane existance she led? She strained to remember. If only...

If only she could go back… if only she could get away… if only the light would turn on in her mind, if only the drapes could be parted and she could finally see…

There was noise from behind her, but she didn't pay attention. Soon, she heard hurried footsteps coming her way, and cringed as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She let out a small sound of distress. It was the only way she could express her fears, the only way she knew how to fight back.

"You're going to freeze," said a kind, feminine voice behind her. "Come on, let's close this window and get you back into bed."

She didn't fight back as the kind woman, whoever she was, pulled her back and away from her window. She tried to cling to it, but she had no strength to hold on. She wanted more than anything to hold on. If only she could tell them… why couldn't they all just leave her be? Why couldn't they let her sink into the small comforts she possessed in this world of constant despair?

If only she was like that singing bird. If only she could fly away.

Once she was in bed, the kind woman turned again to her. She was smiling.

"You have a visitor," the woman said.

She did not react, for she did not know how. But when the woman left, and her visitor wandered hesitantly inside… she immediately recognized him.

She was sure: he was the young man she'd seen in her mind's eye, the comfort she clinged to. And he was there, standing before her, looking at her with an indecipherable expression.

For a moment, she saw nothing else. For a moment, she felt nothing. For a moment, she heard not the wind blowing gently into the room, and the bird and its song were forgotten. For in that moment, nothing else mattered except the young man before her, and the need to somehow reach out to him… somehow let him know how much he meant.

If only she knew who he was…

The young man looked at her intently. Her eyes focused on him. He looked a little surprised, a little disconcerted. She got up on shaking legs, took the first thing she could find on her dresser – it was nothing but an old candy wrapper. Slowly she walked up to him – the distance seemed eternal, miles of separation… but finally she reached him, and placed the wrapper firmly into his outstretched hand.

The boy seemed surprised, very surprised, and looked to the old woman beside him, whom she had not noticed until now.

"Very nice, Alice dear," the old woman chidled, but Alice did not hear. She wandered off, humming to herself.

They were gone as soon as they came. As quickly as fall leaves replaced the warmth of summer, the young man of her imagination was gone, torn away from her.

If only…

She got back into bed and curled herself up, looking blankly ahead. The usual despair had returned to her as it always did, but along with it came a new feeling; a stronger feeling. She felt she'd lost something… something important. Something meaningful. Something beyond the four walls of the life she led. The cage she could not escape.

She strained to remember, but it was no use. Soon she fell into a daze, then into the closest thing to sleep she could muster – a world where she ran across the leaves and breathed in the cool air of the forest. A world which she could only observe from her window as she wiltered away inside…

She awoke with tears pouring down her face. There was no use hoping, she realized. There was no use holding on, trapped as she was in this hell of a life. She would never run in the forest. She would never fly away. She would stay here to wither forever, it was true… even the image of the young man she'd seen so clearly before was now dissolving in her mind to be lost… to be forgotten like all the others…

Even the young man was an allusion to a life she could never hope to have. Stuck here in this dreadful place, she could never be happy. She could never be free.

And yet, she thought, if only…


End file.
